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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Letter To Thorin

To Dwarfleader, King of the Mountains, Thorin Oakenshield,

Dear Sir,

I was informed - through the Eagles - by Bilbo, the Hobbit that you are the best and most daring Dwarf around to find a certain Human for me, named Richard Armitage. Last seen in Middle Earth, covered in red make-up and talking to green screens, imagining things. Pretends to be a Dwarf, plays the harp and sings boastful. You will find that the most worrying thing - next to my inferior use of the English language.

According to the Gnomes - who live in my back garden and are big fans of mine - every letter to this Human to his address in Olde England disappears in one big pile of cheerful autograph requests, lengthy love letters and funny postcards. If you do get this letter, it can only be because the Gnomes are immersed by their re-enactment of The Hobbit, or worse, they are playing cards under my floorboards and not giving me the necessary footrubs.

Fog, however, made the Eagles fly the route to Olde England first. Fog is an unpredictable creature, not to be mistaken for ´your´ Dragon Smaug. But this Hobbit who ate most of my chocolate, informed me I could also address you to find this Human. According to the Eagles, likely you will find him in Mirkwood, as even smart Humans tend to get lost there. I can trust the Eagles on this, because the Eagles pass on these facts for generations. Personally I fear the possibility that the Giant Spiders have captured him, as the Giant Spiders are very Human minded. 

If you find this Human and mention the letter, he will turn into something speechless, polite and gentle, as he does when he is not in action. You could say something about me. I recommend to ask him his name first. He could fall back on Dwarvish curse words when he does not know what to say.

The Hobbit will not bother you for two weeks with breakfast requests, if you can persuade Gandalf to work his magic for you. Please do not quarrel with Gandalf too much for constantly taking a detour in your story by adding cameos. He has some surprises for you, the Eagles know from first hand experience.

May I add that I really like your work ethics and could you share some secrets on aging - Female Humans would like to know ? Have to rush, the Gnomes ask for my attention, they have back pains.

P.S. I have to apologize, I did not get past chapter 6 of that book the Hobbit gave me.

Yours truthfully,

Shy Female Human when near Gnomes with six packs,
and bad at writing letters, so have mercy,


bccmee said...

Funny letter! I hope your garden Gnomes feel better soon. They must do some back-breaking work!

Traxy said...

LOL! That was, in the words of Ron Weasley, bloody brilliant! :D

Violet said...

Thanks, Bccmee and Traxy!

Check out my next post if you want more stories on the gnomes!

Mulubinba said...

LOL - Thorin doesn't reply to his mail I've discovered :). Maybe a letter in dwarf runes might work.

Violet said...

Hi Mulubinba, I find your blog on The Hobbit to be a welcome source.

I will ask the Eagles if they know a Dwarf Runes´ Translator....

Possible answer:
"Yes, I´ve found this Human totally lost in Mirkwood. He likes hanging around with us. He´s not much of a fighter. The hills we have to climb, he calls them steep summits and we really had to work on his combat training, so I doubt if he´ll be useful for this big fight of the 5 Armies we´re having soon. But he keeps convincing me he wants to join in as this is the greatest experience of his life sofar. His singing we like best."

Something like that.