To Dwarfleader, King of the Mountains, Thorin Oakenshield,
Dear Sir,
I was informed - through the Eagles - by Bilbo, the Hobbit that you are the best and most daring Dwarf around to find a certain Human for me, named Richard Armitage. Last seen in Middle Earth, covered in red make-up and talking to green screens, imagining things. Pretends to be a Dwarf, plays the harp and sings boastful. You will find that the most worrying thing - next to my inferior use of the English language.
According to the Gnomes - who live in my back garden and are big fans of mine - every letter to this Human to his address in Olde England disappears in one big pile of cheerful autograph requests, lengthy love letters and funny postcards. If you do get this letter, it can only be because the Gnomes are immersed by their re-enactment of The Hobbit, or worse, they are playing cards under my floorboards and not giving me the necessary footrubs.
Fog, however, made the Eagles fly the route to Olde England first. Fog is an unpredictable creature, not to be mistaken for ´your´ Dragon Smaug. But this Hobbit who ate most of my chocolate, informed me I could also address you to find this Human. According to the Eagles, likely you will find him in Mirkwood, as even smart Humans tend to get lost there. I can trust the Eagles on this, because the Eagles pass on these facts for generations. Personally I fear the possibility that the Giant Spiders have captured him, as the Giant Spiders are very Human minded.
If you find this Human and mention the letter, he will turn into something speechless, polite and gentle, as he does when he is not in action. You could say something about me. I recommend to ask him his name first. He could fall back on Dwarvish curse words when he does not know what to say.
The Hobbit will not bother you for two weeks with breakfast requests, if you can persuade Gandalf to work his magic for you. Please do not quarrel with Gandalf too much for constantly taking a detour in your story by adding cameos. He has some surprises for you, the Eagles know from first hand experience.
May I add that I really like your work ethics and could you share some secrets on aging - Female Humans would like to know ? Have to rush, the Gnomes ask for my attention, they have back pains.
P.S. I have to apologize, I did not get past chapter 6 of that book the Hobbit gave me.
Yours truthfully,
Shy Female Human when near Gnomes with six packs,
and bad at writing letters, so have mercy,
Violet